There was simply no question about it.
I can still remember my very first crush. I was in kindergarten, and the boy had adorable green eyes and blonde hair — he was the favorite of every girl in the class. When I got to college, things slowly grew more grey. I attended a small school with an enormous LGBT population, and the majority of my friends were gay.
I began seeing women differently. I started noticing different things — how their clothes hugged their bodies, how their hair framed their faces, how their voices filled a room. Still, my mind focused on men.
At some point, I got a job at the campus bookstore, and on my second day on the job, I met her. We worked one two-hour shift together on a Wednesday afternoon. She was unlike anyone I had ever known.
Beautiful, intelligent, and ambitious, she somehow saw through me in a way no one ever had before. Yet even then, in those first few months, I refused to accept it.
And so did she. In our minds, it remained all men. About six months after we started working together, something shifted. Maybe it was that we both got out of relationships at the same time. Maybe…maybe it just was. We got much closer over those first weeks of the semester.
She asked for my number, and I gave it to her. We started making jokes about how we were the same person, and that if we were gay we would just get married because no one would understand the other like we understood each other.
Suddenly, there was something else added into the mix: I would get excited when she texted me. My Facebook wall was dominated by articles and pictures that reminded her of me, and hers was covered with all sorts of things that reminded me of her.
She was everywhere I looked. Thoughts of her filled every quiet moment. She appeared in the black beneath my eyelids as I drifted into slumber, and I reached for her next to me each morning as I slowly reopened them. Pretty soon, it became all her. That girl is the love of my life.
I fell for her fast and hard, without any indication that she would fall for me in return. But I do know this: I am a woman who was, and still is, sexually attracted to men. I also know that I am very much in love with another woman who is also attracted to men.